I think it's Brene Brown that defines shame as, "How I see me through your eyes." That one hit home when shame was a daily (sometimes hourly) practice. I've had a life long relationship with shame, but this piece really is not about shame- rather the opposite or the choice of opposite.
I just spent the last week with friends from "home". A dear friend was turning 5-0 and after our group had thrown out ideas of places to celebrate, she decided to come to the land of sunshine. As the new "local", I curated some experiences that aimed to create moments of enough celebration, indulgence, togetherness, wonder, delight and ...shopping. We were a group of five originally, but ended up being minus one due to some COVID conundrums. (The one downfall of the trip.) One friend arrived a few days before the others to see the how's, what's and where's of living on St. Thomas. We sunned on beaches and swam in the waters, she slept on our couch and cooked for my family, and the she helped me shop for a giant cooler of groceries, booze and wine that we put in the back of our 5-seater rental Jeep to take with us to St. John. And come Wednesday, we hit the ground running grabbing the girls at St. Thomas' Cyril E. King airport and drove onto the Red Hook ferry, arriving in Cruz Bay in record time. (My friends think I could use my blog to post about 'interesting ways to visit the islands'- travel writer style. I am undecided but will include our itinerary info below for anyone interested in making a trip to St. John.)
Needless to say, we had a ball! There were private chefs; local restaurants; beaches with bars and beaches with sermons; we circumnavigated STJ on Ocean Dreams with Brad as our captain and enjoyed snorkeling, swimming, and lots of DANGER (tequila); we had my local friends over and danced the night away; we flossed; we laughed; we read; we slept; we watched the sunrises and the sunsets; and we laughed and giggled. Everything really did go smoothly and effortlessly. Ease and flow, baby.
But, to be honest, there were moments of hesitation and frustration on my part. My friends had come to my neck of the woods and I felt responsible for showing them a wonder-filled time. It's my nature to take care of things; family, pets, friends, planning when plans are called for, but it is not my nature to direct (in person) groups of people, even small groups. When I travel, I am more of an outlier, preferring solitude or a plus one when I vacation and can get away from it all. I am particular in what I like and am sensitive to my needs for quiet, restoration, and ease. Some may call it "high maintenance" (I always think of the movie When Harry Met Sally regarding this phrase, like when Harry calls Sally out on needing everything "on the side" when she orders food.) I prefer "discerning."
Even so, while I don't identify as a "leader," I will admit that I orchestrate and create some pretty well-crafted itineraries, events and happenings. And after throwing this trip together, I realize that how my friends see me through their eyes MATTERS. And, even though I do prefer a behind the scenes kind of alchemy, wowing folks ... is fun! Successfully organizing a collection of moments that your crew appreciates... is validating. And as I learn to accept my needs for comfort and security, my wants and needs to live this life, and then willingly share it with those I care about- I get to see me through their eyes, and it feels damn good- even if it can be exhausting. (I did have a bout with shame on this- why couldn't I be more vocal, drink more, choose more when choices were on the table, direct more when direction was wanted... but I think this naturally comes into play for anyone sharing a house with folks who have different approaches to traveling or knowing/not knowing where things are.) But on this past trip, my friends could not have been more appreciative or gracious in soaking in the details that went in to making our 5-day-vacay a magical tour-D-force (apparently my new nickname).
With the trip behind us, I consider my path of progress. In the past, I may have not volunteered to organize, or I may not have even attended because a group bigger than three didn't feel comfortable, or I may have stayed quiet when plans were made. With this trip, I feel a sense of power in making it happen and allowing myself to be seen through "other's eyes" by taking the lead and choosing what I thought would work out best. (And even if the trip had sucked and nothing had gone smoothly- I know my friends would still be raving about the experience:) But still, there really were moments of big magic- when parking spaces appeared, ferries had abundant space and days just seemed perfect without angst or worry.
So, in summation, what I am learning is that if shame is showing up and unworthy thoughts are coming in hot and heavy with the "what could have been or wasn't done right," I say we need to find a kind pair of eyes. If I choose loving eyes to surround me then things have a much better chance of going smoothly and magically. Invite these kind eyes to take a looksie. I know, it's a practice (and maybe I'm preaching to a choir of folks who have already figured out how to beat shame from out of their lives) but we can choose. Abundance happens when love is within and around.
Inviting folks to see my neck of the woods (or water, that is) brings up stuff. Stuff about why we moved to an island, what life is like when almost everyone around you is on vacation, how to "find meaning" when there's no career to zoom into. But it also brings up the beauty and courage to change course and challenge the knowns- seasons, Trader Joe's, hot water, colonoscopies, organic meat, orthodontia, IKEA... There is a new edge that exists in the land of sunshine. A reverence and a hustle for trusting that you have what it takes to make it work, and I'm not just talking about COVID-19 hassles. As Tom Gun says, "Make it work!" And it is much easier to make things work when the lens is generous and forgiving.
So shame... be gone! And power on. I'm working the edge of compassion to my moments of worry and doubt, ruh-roh's and making it work. My friends helped me see this- that there is a lot of effort that goes in to making things dreamy. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts!
My very own tour-D-force St. John cheat sheet:
Beaches-
Trunk-great walking and snorkling around an island when the waves aren't rough
Hawksnest- sunday sermons and snorkeling
Maho- turtles and bar/shops
Jumby- private feeling
Chefs-
Chef Vinnie (312) 394-9786- AMAZING sushi delivered to your house!
Chef Giovanni +1 (340) 227-5496 at www.basilfoodwine.com
Rental car-
Get from airport in St. Thomas and drive to Red Hook car ferry
Paradise rental car Stt 1 (340) 643-8188
Boat charters-
Scotty on mojo- https://mojo-vi.com/ Ocean runner - https://oceanrunnerusvi.com/
Stormy pirate -https://stormypirates.com/
Lunch out on a boat-
Limeout https://www.limeoutvi.com
Pizza Pi https://pizza-pi.com
Lovango for lunch or drinks https://www.lovangovi.com
Restaurants-
Zozos
Le Tapa
Extra Virgin
Longboard
Drink
Provisions
Comments