Future Perfect

The age of Aquarius is upon us and this year, 2021, is supposed to by my (and any other aquarian's) emerald year, according to Susan Miller of Astrology Zone. A new year year and a dawning of the age of Aquarius (post Taurean) that brings forth a shift in the cosmos and shines light on what is felt, imagined and possible rather than what is seen and held in your hands. Now... if only I knew what I wanted so that I could summon the abundance and manifest the ultimate.

As a forty-five year old aquarian, I can listen within and recognize what I don't want, see opportunity in most situations, and am my best self when I can create and take ownership of something that I put my whole heart into (a painting, a class, a space, an idea). However, in this territory of newness on the island of St. Thomas where thing's that sparkle pull me in each day, I am still figuring out how to dream big and ask big. Where to plant myself and what to become. The oldest of three girls in a privileged white family in Connecticut, I rarely asked for anything. I understood that we had more than most and that I must be grateful for what I had, never really digging deep into what I wanted. There was no lack, except for maybe naming what sparked my desire. My mom loved to shop- and when we were little she would go into New York City and come home with bags of clothes from fancy stores that I couldn't pronounce. I wore French belted jumpers, Italian shoes and hand smocked dresses. (I didn't tell her that I secretly coveted my friend's hand me down Lands End turtleneck with the red rose and green leaves and worn in Levis.) My dad fell in love with the game of tennis and decided to put a tennis court in our backyard. He got me a racket and found me a tennis teacher. After hours of lessons, ball machines, backboards and clinics and at the age of 10 I became his regular tennis partner when his friends came over to play doubles on the weekends. I never said, "I want to play tennis." They both meant well and I just wasn't good at telling them what I thought or wanted. These are just a few snapshots of what comes to light in my mid-life reckoning as a displaced, confused, energetic and not quite confident newbie learning the practice of manifesting.

As I work with a clean slate of imagining- a tropical island that sings potential every which way I look- I consider the knowns, the gratitudes and the underneath desires that I might not be able to name, but that stir and poke. My knowns- My family and I are new here. We are taking in island life at our own speeds and with our own dispositions. We no longer have a "home" that is ours and we have been living for almost a year with the editing, clearing, and showing of our living space, both in Connecticut and now here in St. Thomas (Villa Harmony is for sale). I remain a mother and a wife holding space for my tribe's dismemberment from the familiar, in a pandemic. And even if that means making meals, cleaning up after everyone, seeking ways to engage in our community, making plans, finding doctors, vets, haircutters, etc., I know I have a value here even though it can be repetitive and mind-numbing. My gratitudes- Our family was willing to move with trust and open hearts. We sold our house. We found a rental in a beautiful spot that took our pets. We are healthy. We are making friends. We have friends who keep in touch. We are surrounded by sunshine, blue water, and clean air. We are together. We get to explore or experience something new most days. My wants & needs; I have everything I need. I say this wholeheartedly and have a daily practice of listing the mundane and the beautiful- teasing out the details of what is now and abundant. And yet it is in the effervescent wants that are rising to the surface and asking me to go deeper, begging me to listen and hear the words, "It's okay to ask."

I want to get more comfortable asking. I want to practice asking. I want to feel worthy asking. (But first, I need to forgive the guilt in knowing that I already have so much and more than enough. Funny that this word comes up again after I just said I have everything I need!) I realize that my artist self has been creating from what has been, expressing what I've already seen and felt and putting those emotions into paintings and words. My meditation self uses the presence of what is now, releasing past suffering and opening up to the loving vastness of a moment. Both of these selves work with the real, the abstract, the physical, the past, and the present. And here, as I write this post and digest the meaning of what my "emerald year" could look like, I am waking to what this new age is all about- shifting beyond what was/is and leaning into the future perfect. The... as if it will be so, the intention that will be completed. The mission to construct a world of "what if's" and take action, scattering seeds in hopes of germination, trusting my knowing (of my needs and desires) and embracing the imaginable with rigor. To own the ask.

Let the dreaming begin! And I invite you, reader, to own the ask and put it down on the page, even share it with me.

-be kind, feel powerful

-to make a home that nurtures, inspires and provides a sanctuary

-to embrace my gypsy inclinations and curiosity for change

-to dance (thinking zoom-ba, hip hop, tap dancing)

-to cut out a "creative space" just for me in whatever house we're living

-to write and publish with confidence and mastery of my story, and include my artwork

-to paint and create with ease and joy

-to travel to Scotland and walk the hills and shores, ski in Jackson, visit the Met, Neue

Gallery, whatever inspires in NYC, and eat pink cake

-to know and spark joy wherever I am

-to own the ask