Hugh and I were in Austin for the weekend to celebrate his 18th birthday by taking in a concert, some yummy food and a bit of culture. I booked a hotel in the Domain, not realizing that we were actually a 20 minute drive north of city proper. It was a lovely hotel- nice people, comfy beds, a bathtub!- but I can't say that my intention was to meet my first born on what felt like a movie set (or Lego set) where "Everything is AWESOME!" would have been the perfect the soundtrack for this millennial playground. Dogs and people & people and dogs. Music non-stop- streamed and live. A selfie museum. Just built apartment complexes reminiscent of WeWork with affirmations in florescent lights on every wall. All of that aside, my abundance came in a a 6'1"package with a son who said "yes" to a weekend with his mom half way across the country.
While Hugh slept in, I continued my morning routine and found a quiet enough spot outside to meditate. To listen to the birds. To find my stillness in my own exuberance of simply being in the same building with him. The double edged sword of being in the moment met the voice in my head that begged me to make the most of every moment. I took in as much as I could- what he packed and what he wore; what he ordered and what he ate; the sighs he made in the middle of the night. I witnessed how he spoke graciously to the salesperson as he was fitted for a graduation suit, taking in all of the information Fernando shared with the measuring tape explaining the differences between an Athletic cut vs. a Long cut jacket. Hugh is still a sponge. He's excited about what is out there to learn. And he doesn't pretend to know everything. One can simply sense this by spending time with him, even though he is not loquacious or overtly generous with his insights.
We've lost the leash and rely on an invisible fence that tracks and contains our almost adult. A man-child who roams in a mostly brick landscape of interactions and decisions at a prep school that prepares, but doesn't parent. We know he eats, but not what or when. We know he goes to class, but not with whom. We know he has friends, but don't know what they are like or why they are friends. And the unknowns are just going to continue and multiply.
Dave and I have a whole new roadmap to discover as we parent on the other side of adolescence- at least for a very private, deliberate and dynamic kid. What I am learning in this new territory is that its about putting the pieces together as you hold a space wide enough for your child (for they will forever be your child) to reveal the pieces. It is a practice of being patient with silence, asking potentially uncomfortable questions, and throwing the script away because, no matter how you dice it, his choices are his own and he doesn't want your input unless he asks. So, to manage my tendency to Taurus moon overload (have a plan and get shit done!) with this ever evolving demand of letting things go (ie- launching children), all I truly have are the details to ground me.
So, when I came back into the room after my morning ritual, Hugh was on the bed looking at his phone which was making loud sounds I couldn't place.
I ask him, "What are you watching?"
"Buzzer beaters."
"What are those?" I ask.
"Oh, Mom..."
Time goes by. We get coffees at the sleek Starbucks Reserve across the street from the hotel (there are only 20 in the country!). As we walk along another street that feels like the Truman Show he turns to me and says, "Buzzer beaters- they are NBA clips of baskets made right before the buzzer goes off at the end of a quarter." And this is where it starts to sink in. As the sands of the hour glass seem to be moving faster, I realize that its not about every moment having to be great, but remembering every great moment.
Who knows if Hugh will remember the time he met me in Austin? He may remember Jacob Collier conducting an audience of 500 to "Blackbird," the not so hot scallops at Freda's Seafood Grille, our Austrian Uber driver who moved to Austin 40 years ago and talked about the Peterson Brothers, the t-shirt he got on South Congress. And all I can say is that my highlight reel with high school Hugh will forever include the moment when we were in the backseat of another Uber on the way to the airport and Hugh took my hand and held it tight. 1 onethousand... 2 onethousand... 3 onethousand.
With awe & delight,
St. Sunshine
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